Page 16 - Masala Lite Issue 163 July 2024

16 SPILL THE CHAI

Should BOYS be BOYS

and GIRLS be GIRLS?

Raising boys vs raising girls: community
members chime in, and whether our

approach to gender has changed.

BY AMORNRAT SIDHU

he moment I knew I was expecting, I started concocting plans on how I Differences in Parenting a Boy and a Girl:

was going to raise my child. Oh, it didn’t matter if my child was a boy or More or less, I want my son and daughter to have similar skills and be able to take care
a girl. My parenting techniques were not going to change according to of themselves. For example, I want my son to be able to do traditionally ‘masculine’
gender or sex – or so I thought. tasks like change a tire, nail a picture into the wall, etc. However, I want my daughter

We are witnessing more equal parenting between partners within our community, to be able to do these tasks as well. The differences are:
more proportionate representation of female storybook and cartoon characters,
and both male and female characters taking on feminine and masculine roles, 1. The ways in which I get them to master a skill or complete a task differ. I might
despite their assigned gender (i.e. female policewomen and male nurses). Do have to put in more creativity and effort to convince my son to learn a skill,
we still vary our parenting techniques, our advice, and our desires based on our compared to my daughter who might just naturally approach the task with
children’s gender? Or is it truly equal – in this day and age, would we care if a curiosity or zest. From an outsider’s perspective, it might seem that I am putting
son wants to paint his nails, and his sister wants to fix a car? more effort in parenting my son or leaving the boring tasks to my daughter, but
it is more about catering to their individual styles, which sometimes I think is
Having talked to parents in the community, the consensus seems to be that rooted in their biological make-up, and by extension, gender differences.
each parent has to assess aspects of their own environment, their stance on
‘gender,’ and their own beliefs. This often results in a deep reflection of their 2. I battle with striking a balance between male chivalry and feminism. I want
own childhood and existing knowledge, and to accept responsibility to provide my son to have the courtesy of carrying something heavy for his sister, whilst
the right environment for their child once they’ve confirmed their own position. knowing she can also carry it. I want my daughter to be able to lift something
Here are some personal insights from community members: heavy herself, but also look for that chivalry in, let’s say, a possible partner.
Because this is what I want, I have to use phrases like, “but you should be a
gentleman.” But I also expect answers based on gender that question this, and
I’m prepared to answer those, too.

ZAHRA PATEL NEESHA BAJAJ
Teacher, Mother of Two Teacher, Mother of One

Philosophy: Philosophy:
My kids see their dad and their mum switch roles frequently between them. We don’t All of parenting is about trying to model the behaviors you think are important by
differentiate between gender much in our home because we know our kids’ school reflecting on what was lacking in your own childhood. Just be true to yourself. Your
does – and we are happy that they do. child will see that you are being authentic and, therefore, will feel comfortable in
expressing themselves as well.
In fact, because of “new-age parenting,” when my son came home and said that he
doesn’t like pink because it’s a ‘girly’ colour, my immediate question was, “who said?” Making a Conscious Decision to Raise Kids Differently

Yet, in my opinion, if we want our kids to have certain values and traits, we must Expressing emotion is a human right – regardless of gender, race, or any other
provide an environment for them to embody and exhibit it. “New-age” parenting identifying factor. As a boy mom and as a teacher, I think everyone should express,
enthusiasts can sometimes make you feel guilty for it. emote and share their feelings. Growing up, gender was absolutely a defining feature

Thus, if I want to raise my boy into a man, not necessarily a man’s man, but a man, of how one should express emotions. We are a family of three sisters and through
then, yes, when he is under the age of five, certain distinctions are necessary. If he watching my cousins, I could see the different expectations placed on boys and girls
keeps wearing pink and people keep telling him he’s soft or feminine, he will eventually to cry or react. In the past, my dad also was not so open to emotions; he felt that it
believe it, especially if he is told this during his formative years. Therefore, if I don’t want made him vulnerable. He has changed with time.

him to be soft, then for that window, I need to put in boundaries to help distinguish Thus, I consciously encourage my son to identify his feelings, talk about them, and
between being a boy and a girl. Outside that window, once he is older and becomes express them. If he wants to cry, he is wholeheartedly allowed to. I am trying to
an adult, then he can set his own boundaries. normalise this very important area for my son as well as all the boys I teach.

MASAL A LITE ISSUE 163 - JULY 2024