Page 18 - Masala Lite Issue 162 June 2024

18 SPILL THE CHAI family within the Thai-Desi
LESSis parents and two kids. Have one child to take
he current idea of a perfect nuclear

community seems to consist of two
your partnership to the next level, or to
MORE the second child for the first child – give them
experience what parenthood feels like. Have
the gift of each other. If you get lucky and
have both a boy and a girl, you have won the
lottery and get to experience being parents
to children of both sexes. Congratulations!

Yet, we are seeing the rise of an even smaller
Thai-Indian nuclear family, where partners
Exploring the smaller are opting to stay child-free or making
nuclear family unit and the the conscious decision to have only one
roadblocks along the way. child. Masala speaks to members of the
community about the more unconventional
idea of a nuclear family without children,
or with only one child, and why it is ideal
BY AMORNRAT SIDHU
for them.

How do you deal with this pressure from society?

I know very well that my child would be my responsibility, and even between my
husband and me, I would carry more of the weight. This makes me sure that the only
person who decides is me. When it was first suggested that I plan a family, I would
reply in an affirmative manner. Nowadays I am more vocal of my thoughts because,
firstly, I feel responsible to make people aware that there can be a choice, and secondly,
NABIHAH SHARIFF, Teacher I want my family to understand my feelings so they can better support me.

What are the benefits of having just
one child?
In this day and age, there are a lot AARIFA KHAN, Teacher
more considerations when it comes to
parenting. Does it make sense to have
a second child, financially, emotionally, In your opinion, what are the benefits
logistically, and physically? We are two of a couple choosing not to have

working parents of a toddler. He is our children?
world, and all our attention goes to him. As they say, “Marriage is a tricky beast!”
If he has a sibling, our attention will be When two people get married, they have
cut in half, and we will have to reassess to navigate a journey of likes, dislikes,
certain liberties we can take with having past trauma, individual evolution, and
only child. more together. They do this tough,
important work while steering through
What kind of social pressures have you faced because of your decision? work pressures, personal issues and

It is difficult to escape aunties and uncles that question us about our family planning. extended family expectations. When you
It is inevitable that they will make comments at every gathering asking when we will add children in to the mix of all of this,
give our son a sibling. it becomes even trickier. Our own ideas
on how to raise children, impacted by
How do you deal with these ‘persuasions’ from society?
our own respective experiences, comes
Luckily, my husband is quite direct, so when he says that we are not planning for into play.

another one, people believe him. If they quietly believe that we don’t know what Partners have less time for each other,
we are talking about and we will unavoidably change our minds, we don’t correct the focus of the marriage is no longer building and sustaining a connection between
them. We know what many of them are thinking, but as long as they don’t voice it, husband and wife, but rather keeping the tiny human alive and well. I suppose the
it doesn’t bother us.
benefits would be that by simply keeping a nuclear family as a husband and wife,
you have way more space to navigate the trials of marriage, and focus on building a
happy and healthy relationship. You have the opportunity and privledge to focus on
building this for yourself as an individual too.

VARTIKA BARTHWAL, Homemaker Following your decision, what kind of social pressures have you faced?

The social pressures I faced when I was married were many. People, whether it be
What are the benefits of having your your immediate family or extended family, constantly ask about why you do not
nuclear family consist of just your have children. You have to constantly explain your very personal choices and defend
husband and you? yourself. You are viewed as selfish. I have been told so many different things, such
I do not think there is a benefit, so to as, “Who will look after you when you’re old?” or “You will never know true love
speak, of just being husband and wife until you have a child!” or even, “It is your duty to grow our family.” It’s really unfair.
in comparison to a couple with children. I didn’t want to discuss how I was having challenges navigating my relationship and
However, the whole experience of family didn’t want to add in a child to the mix, which would inevitably make things more
and relationships is deeply personal. For challenging. I didn’t want to explain my financial situation and how that would be
me, I worry that maybe I would be unable impacted. I didn’t want to have to defend wanting to keep my life as it is, so I can
to fulfill my current responsibilities after enjoy the freedom of living life without having to consider another human being
having a baby, and perhaps that would completely before myself.

affect my parenting as well. I also feel In general, it also felt that the ‘success scale’ in a marriage and in life was having a
that if my husband and I have children, child. It felt like society in general felt that if I did not have a child, I was going against
our relationship as parents would the natural progression of what should happen to be happy.
disorientate our relationship as partners.
Having said that, I love kids and admire I absolutely love being ‘Aunty Rifi’ to many of my friend’s children. I am a natural care
everyone who is raising their own. giver and love giving love. Society often views this as me going against my nature.
We don’t realise that we can love and care for people in different ways. This doesn’t
Have you faced any push back from society because of both your decision? mean that I have to be a mother to do this.
Initially, being married at twenty-nine, many insisted I do not delay having children
as biologically it is “getting late.” Now, after only three years, some have suggested How did you enforce boundaries with all the pressure around you?

fertility treatments. I find it difficult to explain, especially to older generations, With my immediate family, I would have open and honest conversations about why
that it is my choice to wait to have children until I feel confident to take up the I didn’t feel the need to have a child. Sometimes, I would have to put in a boundary
responsibility. Sometimes I do feel guilty, depriving my in-laws and my parents of the and end the conversation. With extended family, I exercised patience and listened to
joy of grandchildren. Most of my friends have children, and that occasionally displaces what they had to say. As I didn’t want to explain my personal life and defend myself,
me because often I cannot relate to their experiences. Often these interactions make I would use a general phrase, which I actually do believe in: “It’s all in God’s hands, if
me debate my choice. it’s written for me, it will happen.”

MASAL A LITE ISSUE 162 - JUNE 2024